Don’t just sit there… Say something…!!

In his latest blog for SHP, Tim Marsh discusses ways to communicate in the workplace over saying nothing…

At the recent NEC wellbeing event I caught a fascinating talk that directly addresses a key element of any mental health management training. The simple exhortation to “say something “… as “anything is better than nothing!”

Specifically, not to get embarrassed and walk away from a ‘I’m fine thank you how are you?’ response when you know they really aren’t at all.

On a day-to-day basis it’ll save you time and discomfort in the short term … but you might have missed a chance to save a life.

Three sports stories

So, three stories = two from world events watched by millions and one from Lancashire Cricket League 3, 4 or maybe 5!

To start with the game of lesser importance not entirely watched by the people who were actually participating in it!

Many years ago, I played in a cricket match where one of our team, a shy, small and introverted chap, cost us the game by being utterly unable to hit the ball ‘off the square’ as they say. Even his efforts to get out and let someone better have a go failed! Almost entirely because of this we fell short in our (quite easy) run chase and as he trudged off a few of us teased and abused him (we thought very good naturedly – but it was a sports team after all so with much swearing and the like and insistence he get the first round in!).

Later, as we were changing, he teared up. Mortified, we asked him if he was OK, reassuring him ‘no offence meant mate … it’s only a game … ‘ etc. But he said ‘no, no, I know … it’s OK …you don’t understand, when I walked off I thought it would be to stony silence, like happened to me in school once. It was great that you all teased me, it made me feel like I’m really part of the team … like we all know I played crap and cost us the game but it’s not really important and you like me anyway’. (It turned out the school event genuinely traumatic for him).

So, a controversial assertion: I’d like to suggest that banter – well when it’s genuinely good natured and well intentioned – still has a place in a thriving group dynamic.

Rugby World Cup

To turn to the rather more important sports event as related by Tony Underwood at the NEC. Any rugby fan will remember a Mike Catt getting literally run over by Jonah Lomu in the World Cup semi-final in 1995 but it was Underwood who was his direct opposite number that day. (Lomu was terrifyingly good and scored 4 tries in the game – for the younger sports fans reading this think Eric Haarland only even bigger, faster and both far, far stronger and allowed to run straight at you will bad intent)!

After the match Underwood was devastated. Didn’t want to talk to anyone, couldn’t look anyone in the eye. It was the biggest game of his career watched globally by tens of millions and he felt humiliated, ashamed, belittled, emasculated. The following day he decided to front up and tell his teammates how he felt and apologise for not being able to do more for the team. The response of his team mates … total silence, not even a hand on the shoulder.

Though he went on to have a highly successful second career as a fighter pilot with the RAF it took him a full 20 years to be able to talk about the trauma. Indeed, he’s working it through now by talking about it at wellbeing and mental health conferences!

Lydia Thompson

A similar situation from last year illustrates just how devastated Tony will have been but also what could have happened. In 2022 Lydia Thompson got herself sent off in the women’s World Cup final when England were in total control but who then went on to lose.

Her team-mates were, she reports, brilliantly supportive, on the day and in the months that followed. However, she was so devastated she couldn’t face rugby at all for many weeks and was still so traumatised months later she cried in her car all the way to her first basic skills session with her club and only went in to explain she ‘just couldn’t’. Once there she was met with friendly banter and warmth … so she gave it a go … and off she went.

Using the truths in these stories:

In our human error risk management training, we show a slide of two pictures. One is someone using a defibrillator on a heart attack victim and the other someone trying to talk to a person threatening to jump from a bridge. We ask: ‘which one of these is a 50:50 shot’ and which ‘more like a 6 to 1 chance’?

The answer is that, statistically, it’s far more likely you’ll save a life that day by trying to talk down someone literally on the edge and good coaching is in part about using data and illustration to explain not just what we want people to do but why they should do it. (Then make sure they have the tools to do it and here we need to talk about coaching, roleplays and following up and embedding training – but that’s another article!)

So: a very short summary. Say something. Say anything. When people are hurting, silence just isn’t golden. Even banter and teasing (if good natured) is better than nothing.

Book Prize

I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you”. “But I’m not laughing…”. From which hugely ironically titled 1998 film illustrating when banter is in fact bullying does this exchange come from? And as that’s a tough one as it’s a bit of an ‘art house’ film an easier one (in case no one gets it). From which more widely seen film does the line ‘I’m not laughing at you I’m laughing near you’ come)?