April 12, 2023[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]In his latest blog for SHP, Tim Marsh discusses ways to communicate in the workplace over saying nothing…
At the recent NEC wellbeing event I caught a fascinating talk that directly addresses a key element of any mental health management training. The simple exhortation to “say something “… as “anything is better than nothing!”
Specifically, not to get embarrassed and walk away from a ‘I’m fine thank you how are you?’ response when you know they really aren’t at all.
On a day-to-day basis it’ll save you time and discomfort in the short term … but you might have missed a chance to save a life.
So, three stories = two from world events watched by millions and one from Lancashire Cricket League 3, 4 or maybe 5!
To start with the game of lesser importance not entirely watched by the people who were actually participating in it!
Many years ago, I played in a cricket match where one of our team, a shy, small and introverted chap, cost us the game by being utterly unable to hit the ball ‘off the square’ as they say. Even his efforts to get out and let someone better have a go failed! Almost entirely because of this we fell short in our (quite easy) run chase and as he trudged off a few of us teased and abused him (we thought very good naturedly – but it was a sports team after all so with much swearing and the like and insistence he get the first round in!).
Later, as we were changing, he teared up. Mortified, we asked him if he was OK, reassuring him ‘no offence meant mate … it’s only a game … ‘ etc. But he said ‘no, no, I know … it’s OK …you don’t understand, when I walked off I thought it would be to stony silence, like happened to me in school once. It was great that you all teased me, it made me feel like I’m really part of the team … like we all know I played crap and cost us the game but it’s not really important and you like me anyway’. (It turned out the school event genuinely traumatic for him).
So, a controversial assertion: I’d like to suggest that banter – well when it’s genuinely good natured and well intentioned – still has a place in a thriving group dynamic.
To turn to the rather more important sports event as related by Tony Underwood at the NEC. Any rugby fan will remember a Mike Catt getting literally run over by Jonah Lomu in the World Cup semi-final in 1995 but it was Underwood who was his direct opposite number that day. (Lomu was terrifyingly good and scored 4 tries in the game – for the younger sports fans reading this think Eric Haarland only even bigger, faster and both far, far stronger and allowed to run straight at you will bad intent)![/vc_column_text][vc_raw_html]JTNDYmxvY2txdW90ZSUyMGNsYXNzJTNEJTIydHdpdHRlci10d2VldCUyMiUzRSUzQ3AlMjBsYW5nJTNEJTIyZW4lMjIlMjBkaXIlM0QlMjJsdHIlMjIlM0VPTiUyMFRISVMlMjBEQVklM0ElMjAyMCUyMHllYXJzJTIwYWdvJTIwdG8lMjB0aGUlMjBkYXklMjBKb25haCUyMExvbXUlMjBzdGVhbXJvbGxzJTIwTWlrZSUyMENhdHQlMjBhcyUyMEFsbCUyMEJsYWNrcyUyMHF1YWxpZnklMjBmb3IlMjAxOTk1JTIwJTNDYSUyMGhyZWYlM0QlMjJodHRwcyUzQSUyRiUyRnR3aXR0ZXIuY29tJTJGaGFzaHRhZyUyRlJXQyUzRnNyYyUzRGhhc2glMjZhbXAlM0JyZWZfc3JjJTNEdHdzcmMlMjU1RXRmdyUyMiUzRSUyM1JXQyUzQyUyRmElM0UlMjBmaW5hbCUyMCUzQ2ElMjBocmVmJTNEJTIyaHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRnQuY28lMkZCRHZOUWIxUnR6JTIyJTNFcGljLnR3aXR0ZXIuY29tJTJGQkR2TlFiMVJ0eiUzQyUyRmElM0UlM0MlMkZwJTNFJTI2bWRhc2glM0IlMjBGT1glMjBTUE9SVFMlMjBOZXdzJTIwJTI4JTQwRk9YU3BvcnRzTmV3cyUyOSUyMCUzQ2ElMjBocmVmJTNEJTIyaHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZ0d2l0dGVyLmNvbSUyRkZPWFNwb3J0c05ld3MlMkZzdGF0dXMlMkY2MTEzMDcwOTUyNDYyNDU4ODklM0ZyZWZfc3JjJTNEdHdzcmMlMjU1RXRmdyUyMiUzRUp1bmUlMjAxNyUyQyUyMDIwMTUlM0MlMkZhJTNFJTNDJTJGYmxvY2txdW90ZSUzRSUyMCUzQ3NjcmlwdCUyMGFzeW5jJTIwc3JjJTNEJTIyaHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZwbGF0Zm9ybS50d2l0dGVyLmNvbSUyRndpZGdldHMuanMlMjIlMjBjaGFyc2V0JTNEJTIydXRmLTglMjIlM0UlM0MlMkZzY3JpcHQlM0U=[/vc_raw_html][vc_column_text]After the match Underwood was devastated. Didn’t want to talk to anyone, couldn’t look anyone in the eye. It was the biggest game of his career watched globally by tens of millions and he felt humiliated, ashamed, belittled, emasculated. The following day he decided to front up and tell his teammates how he felt and apologise for not being able to do more for the team. The response of his team mates … total silence, not even a hand on the shoulder.
Though he went on to have a highly successful second career as a fighter pilot with the RAF it took him a full 20 years to be able to talk about the trauma. Indeed, he’s working it through now by talking about it at wellbeing and mental health conferences!
A similar situation from last year illustrates just how devastated Tony will have been but also what could have happened. In 2022 Lydia Thompson got herself sent off in the women’s World Cup final when England were in total control but who then went on to lose.
Her team-mates were, she reports, brilliantly supportive, on the day and in the months that followed. However, she was so devastated she couldn’t face rugby at all for many weeks and was still so traumatised months later she cried in her car all the way to her first basic skills session with her club and only went in to explain she ‘just couldn’t’. Once there she was met with friendly banter and warmth … so she gave it a go … and off she went.[/vc_column_text][vc_raw_html]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[/vc_raw_html][vc_column_text]
In our human error risk management training, we show a slide of two pictures. One is someone using a defibrillator on a heart attack victim and the other someone trying to talk to a person threatening to jump from a bridge. We ask: ‘which one of these is a 50:50 shot’ and which ‘more like a 6 to 1 chance’?
The answer is that, statistically, it’s far more likely you’ll save a life that day by trying to talk down someone literally on the edge and good coaching is in part about using data and illustration to explain not just what we want people to do but why they should do it. (Then make sure they have the tools to do it and here we need to talk about coaching, roleplays and following up and embedding training – but that’s another article!)
So: a very short summary. Say something. Say anything. When people are hurting, silence just isn’t golden. Even banter and teasing (if good natured) is better than nothing.
Book Prize
I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you”. “But I’m not laughing…”. From which hugely ironically titled 1998 film illustrating when banter is in fact bullying does this exchange come from? And as that’s a tough one as it’s a bit of an ‘art house’ film an easier one (in case no one gets it). From which more widely seen film does the line ‘I’m not laughing at you I’m laughing near you’ come)?
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Is the film ‘Happiness’, Todd Solondz very very dark comedy?
Congratulations to Christine and Paul for quick and accurate winners … indeed Happiness (an excellent if pitch dark comedy) it is … please mail tim@ankerandmarsh.com with your address Jame …
Excellent article. Film is “Happiness” I think?
Thank you Christine ,..
Good article Tim and coincidentally our senior management team had 3 hours of “difficult conversation and communication” training. Interesting that different people require different approaches to be communicated with, not one shoe fits all
Happiness and Dead Poets Society
How did you find that training Paul? Were there any dissenting voices? Did the topic of ‘triggering’ lead to any arguments? Anything in there that clashes with the points i made? (I’ve an IOSH webinar coming up on the topic!)
The training was good, mostly concerned with identifying that people communicate (receive/give) differently i.e. visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, digital. The training was trying to get us to understand our own communication need and that others may need us to communicate differently towards them if we as management want everyone to understand the same message/information. It achieved this but stopped short of giving tools as to how this could be applied practically. I think the purpose of the training was not understood by all in the room so it probably won’t stick, based on follow up conversations i’ve had with others, but then i’ve read your books (free plug) and have a reasonable understanding of behaviours and communication skills. Nothing clashed with what you have talked about, there wasn’t enough depth. No dissenting voices as generally a placid leadership team which is part of the issue in itself, hence, the need for tools as well as an understanding.
So more a thorough briefing about interesting (and broadly accurate and important) concepts … but stopping shy of practical tools. Not the first time Paul … decades ago we all used Honey’s learning styles self report questionnaire … (and did try to answer Q1 from a delegate ‘interesting… and?! …’
For far too long as, a few days a year absenteeism or coping days off on a sickie has become taboo, replaced with “presenteeism” and an average 20% lost productivity by just “carrying-on regardless” effectively self-harming, suffering debilitating work stress fatigue even performance anxiety rather than admitting any “over-exposure” to sub-optimal working environment and/or culture manifesting in sleep procrastination & deprivation.
No wonder presenteeism increases error rate, mishaps even accidents as work/life insidiously erodes any professional “distance between work and life” 24/7 ON…..
It’s alright euphemistically calling sub-optimal working conditions causing any loss in performance and productivity a question of deficits in a workers sense of Wellbeing but, in reality, this is a precursor to longer latency decline in Mental Health reaching the point of “adaptation exhaustion” presenting in debilitating Mental Health or disabling physical health across the spectrum of non-communicable diseases.
£34 billion a year is clearly the tip of the iceberg in lost productivity increased risk of error rates, mishaps, accidents adding to social cost of far from any sustainability of optimal Wellbeing and productivity over time resulting in “foreshortened working life-cycle” and asset value of the UK Human Resources fit for life and work.
Health and any sense of Wellbeing with half the population predicted to be obese by 2035 and Myopia and Asthenopia presenting in effectively being one-eyed or loss of 3D binocular vision projected to affect 50% of Global Population by 2050 !?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C1jmwGIsGQ&list=PLezLOQBs0kcn1kCE3A_Jr5eShBiLu3kKy&index=4&t=140s
Thank you for chipping in Nigel.